Last week the lovely people from Fanfiction asked me to be a part of their Harry Potter themed opening show and I was thrilled!
Nice people+Harry Potter jokes = Tegan Happy times.
Initially I attempted to write a piece all about Cho Chang and her life after Hogwarts, but this ended up happening instead. It’s called “The Reunion” and after having the pleasure of reading it out at both Fanfiction and The Shelf, I’ve decided to put it to rest here.
The Reunion- By Tegan Higginbotham
It was 2am in the morning in London, and in a small room down a dark street there sat a man clutching his face in his hands. A man who by all accounts had done nothing worth writing about for the past 20 years. In fact, 19 of them were so boring if I were a writer myself I’d have be inclined to skip over them entirely. Even if that not what any of my fans wanted. Even if it made them feel sad, and cheated and angry after they’d invested so much time into my stories. I still would have done it.
Silent and alone sat the man formally known as “The Boy Who Lived”
On the surface, the death of Lord Voldemort had seemed like a godsend for many. But with 56% of the wizarding community’s employment stemming from the containment, study or destruction of the Dark Arts, jobless rates had shy-rocketed. And for those few students who instead of studying during their final years at Hogwarts had dedicated their time to Dumbledore’s Army, they’d found themselves having to seek fortune in less than conventional ways.
Dean Thomas was broke after spending several years trying to introduce soccer to the magical community. Cho Change wrote a controversial tell-all story about Harry Potter and their brief love affair titled “Cho Chang is Wet”. And Colin Creevy found himself doing time in Azkaban after his enthusiasm for taking photos of students landed him in trouble.
Worst of all was Katie Bell, who earned her living at the only known wizarding strip bar “The Sordid Wand”, where she entertained guests by fitting an entire Basilisk up her.
And then, there was Harry. Once the Ministry of Magic had officially decommissioned it’s last Auror, Harry has resigned himself to a life of public appearances and inspirational speeches. But the boredom was crippling him, and he was finding it hard to breathe.
Soon light began to creep into to the tiny room. Ginny startled Harry. Mostly because he hadn’t heard her come in but also because of her face.
“We’d better get ready for the DA reunion”, she said. “I can’t believe it’s been 20 years”.
“I can”, said Harry.
He packed his bags, grabbed his wand, and reminded Ginny to put on a little more make up. He turned and looked at his home one last time. Harry knew he was never going to return.
The 20 year reunion of Dumbledore’s Army was being held in the Hogs Head in Hogsmeade, which had been purchased and renovated by Seamus Finnegan before he accidentally exploded himself and 14 children whilst trying to play fetch with a puppy. It was a thoroughly surprising accident.
The room was alive with greetings. Present was Neville, Luna and Susan Bones who’d most certainly taken after her father. Not only because she now worked for the Ministry of Magic, but also because she had early onset menopause and had grown a beard. Parvati and Padma Patil had accidentally splinched themselves together after a poor attempt at apparition so now lived as conjoined twins. And George Weasley was also present. Since the death of his brother, George had dedicated his life to trying to clone himself. But so far he’d only managed the make 14 Sigourney Weavers and a half alien half human.
Harry embraced his friend Ron closely. Genuinely happy to see him again.
“Have you seen Hermione?”, Harry asked.
“Not for a few weeks”, said Ron.
Once Ron and Hermione’s kids had started their time at Hogwarts, they’d felt little need to continue their crumbling relationship. Not to mention the fact that as soon as Hermione left high school she cut her hair and became ridiculously hot. Even straight people like me considered going there. And she realised she could do much better than Ron.
By this stage, the entire room was full. And Harry felt alive for the first time in years.
"Welcome, my friends", he said.
"I’m so glad you could all make it. I understand that since the battle of Hogwarts, many of our lives haven’t quite turned out as we’d hoped. In fact, since we ended the reign of Dark Magic and welcomed peacetime into our world, it has slowly been falling apart."
And Harry was right. Without anything to fight for, the magical community had soon begun losing it’s identity. The first McMagicDonals had opened two years prior. And since Steve Jobs had faked his own death and started practicing magic, iParchments were now replacing books 20-1.
Harry had the full attention of the room.
"I have been questioning my actions for many years, and I genuinely believe I may have made a mistake.
There cannot be light, without darkness. There cannot be joy without pain. And our ways will not survive, without the balance that black magic creates.”
"Harry", said Hermione, looking flustered for no particular reason. “What are trying to say?”
"Yes Harry, what?", asked Cho, who was crying.
"It’s time for the boy who lived… to start living again"
Harry rolled back his sleeve to reveal a tattoo of a snake protruding from the mouth of a sunken skull. He pressed his wand to it and the room was suddenly dark.
“This is only time I will ask you”, said Harry. “Are you with me, or are you against me?”
"Have you gone bleeding crazy?", yelled Ron
"Lovely Jubly", added Jamie Oliver.
"No, I haven’t gone crazy. In fact, I am seeing thing clearly for the first time in my life. Join me now, or there will be a dark mark floating above every single one of your homes by the time the week is out."
Neville Longbottom, stepped forward. And without breaking eye contact with Potter uttered two words under his breath… “It Begins”.
From that moment onwards, Dumbledore’s Army reignited under it’s new leader, Nevil Longbottom, as they fought to end the reign of the man formally known as “Harry Potter” but now known as “Lord RaterThyPro”- Good at killing, bad at anagrams.
Fanfiction will be playing every Saturday, Sunday and Monday of the Comedy Festival and I highly recommend you go see this joyful and hilarious show. For more info, go here: http://www.comedyfestival.com.au/2013/season/shows/fanfiction-comedy
Or keep a listen out for Justin Hamilton’s next ‘Can Yo Take This Photo Please” Podcast where he interviews two of the Fanfiction stars.