Since starting this Blog, all of one full post ago, the respect I have for fellow hard-hitting journalist/writer types like myself has grown immeasurably.
I’ve realized how difficult & perilous it can be to put your opinions out there into the massively scary, nothing-ever-vanishes, world wide web. I can imagine that one day I’ll just happen to mention how much I hate carrots, with their smug orange-ness and ever-chunky presence in my vomit, only to find that in 20 years time I’ll be hosting some “Benefit for Bunnies” evening, where the sight-saving effects of carrots are being heralded. Then, some fucking hare will run in and inform the fluffy, anticipatory crowd that when I was 23 I slagged off their favorite vegetable. “LIAR!” they will cry, as they pummel me with their tiny monocles and walking sticks. “TRAITOR!” “HERETIC” “FRIGID!” (wah??)
So I do get a little worried.
But that being said, in the case of recently removed ALP Candidate Peter Watson who posted neo-nazi and anti-homosexual comments online that indicated he believed there is a strong link between homosexuality and pedophilia, I am glad the internet was there to keep a record. I’m glad that stuff was found, I’m glad he’s now been made accountable and I will happily throw MY monocle and walking stick at his face. His stupid, stupid face.
I think back to the times before I realized that the Internet was more than msn chat and I get concerned about all the explosive opinions I could have been putting out there. For example, in high school I was all for smoking. Loved it. Wholeheartedly endorsed it. Not because I smoked myself, but because it gave Shanna and Kenisha something to do at lunchtimes other then try to convince me to pierce my fingernails (the wimps alternative to rebellion), or join their “health club” where they’d sit around finding justification for eating just about any food imaginable.
“Chips, Girls? What do we think of Chips?”
Well, chips are really just potato and potato is a vegetable so therefore we should eat chips.
“Ok. Chips are a yes. And King Size Cadbury Crunchie?”
Well, chocolate has anti-oxidants and honeycomb has honey and that’s good if you’re sick so we should eat King Size Cadbury Crunchie.
“Lovely. Yes for the Crunchie as well. The grease off the bottom of the deep fryer?”
Well, grease has a lovely texture that helps lube your throat so when your trying to take in all the boys at the back of the oval they can just slide on in with ease. So we should eat grease.
“Good thinking. Lets chow down!”
So for now, I have scanned over my list of opinions. That’s right, all 10 of them. And I have selected three which I am somewhat sure won’t land me in jail in several years time or blow anybody’s mind.
1) “Shat” is the funniest word that has ever or will ever exist. Admittedly, it has close competition from beauties such as fucktard, shuttlecock & celibacy. But when one has had the pleasure of watching her close friend run laps around a shopping center car park at night trying to find an open toilet only to stop and with a defeated expression declare “Too late. I shat myself”, there can only be one true winner. **
2) Twitter or “PLEASE VALIDATE WHAT I SAY”, as I like to call it, makes you crazy. Since signing up to the social networking site about 2 months ago, I have become ever so slightly obsessed. So much so that the other night I was talking to my mum and happened to say something quite funny. Fine, right? Not fine! I found myself going into a mini depression because she didn’t instantly repeat it to Dad or tell me it was her favorite. I also found that for a little while on Twitter, I only seemed to be getting followed by rather sexy ladies who had their boobies hanging out in their profile pictures. Initially, I was flattered. Curious, but flattered. But it turns out they are in fact spam, and not to be trusted. Making me feel like some gullible chump from a James Bond type film who falls for the pretty lady and inadvertently gives away the codes to the nuclear explosive. Luckily in my case they weren’t asking for codes to nuclear explosives. Just my bank details. Which I gave them.
3) The Irish are dicks
** When it comes to funny words, a friend also pointed out “Bollock-yoghurt” as an alternative for Jizz. Now I’m not sure whether this gets considered as it is hyphenated so it’s technically two words. However I will admit that it’s awfully creative. My only real problem with it being in my list is that I’ve never quite known how to pronounce “yoghurt” properly (is it yog-ert, or –yoh-gert?), so I don’t know if I’d use it regularly.
This was a quick sketch I’d written to be performed at The Shelf, a comedy room run by Justin Hamilton and Adam Richard at The Toff in Town. Unfortunately, it didn’t get to be performed (the night was thoroughly awesome & jam-packed enough already). However I think it’s not too bad off the page so I thought I might post it here instead.
It was written to be used as part of a News Of The Week segment with myself and the wonderfully funny Adam Rozenbachs & inspired by the following article featured in the Sydney Morning Herald http://www.smh.com.au/lifestyle/celebrity/lawyer-keeps-newton-out-of-court-20120131-1qqeq.html
Adam and Tegan are both sitting behind a news desk about to cover the last story for the evening.
Adam: Last week Matthew Newton’s lawyer appeared in court on behalf of his client to fight allegations that Matthew assaulted a taxi driver.
Tegan: Did the report specify what type of assault it was?
Adam: I think it’s here on my notes.
Tegan: Shall we just assume it’s sexual?
Adam: Probably. Matthew Newton’s lawyer appeared in court on behalf of his client to fight allegations he sexually assaulted a taxi driver.
Tegan: Given Matthews unstable condition his Lawyer has insisted that he shouldn’t be present at the hearing because he fears the heavy media attention would be deleterious to his mental state.
Adam: Honestly, everyone is always cracking on about the Media being a problem. It’s ridiculous.
Tegan: I know. Now we put it out to the general public to see if they had any information from the night in question. BeatBoy260 tweeted “Kyle Sandilands is a fat fuck”. Do you think this means that Kyle Sandilands was in the Taxi?
Tegan: This just in, Matthew Newton is having a perverse, sexual relationship with Kyle Sandilands and a Taxi Driver.
Adam: It’s disgusting.
Tegan: I know! We cut live to Certified Professional Midwife, Ellen Hardy. Ellen, what do you make of all this?
Ellen Hardy: Um, I’m sorry. I…I really don’t know. I thought you wanted to talk to me about Home Birthing?
Adam: Home Birthing? Babies?
Tegan: My God, Ellen! You’re not saying what I think you’re saying!
Ellen Hardy: Ah…
Live feed to Ellen is cut
Tegan: Are you thinking what I’m thinking, Adam?
Adam: Probably. This just in, Matthew Newton is pregnant with the unborn child of Kyle Sandilands and a Taxi Driver. It’s disgusting.
Tegan: I know! But, I do wonder sometimes.
Adam: About what?
Tegan: Well, what if Matthew really has been struggling with severe mental issues his whole life. I mean, don’t get me wrong. The physical abuse towards women is disgusting and thoroughly reprehensible. But could things perhaps have been made worse by the fact that someone who needed help and could be hurting has been thrown into the limelight? Should we not perhaps have the slightest amount of sympathy for this person?
They pause to consider
Adam: He’s an arsehole.
Tegan: What a douche.
Adam: Complete fucking arse.
Well that wraps our news for this evening. We hope you enjoy the rest of your week.
Tegan: Oh, and just before we go I forgot to mention that photographic evidence and eye witness accounts prove that Matthew probably didn’t assault the taxi driver.