Since starting this Blog, all of one full post ago, the respect I have for fellow hard-hitting journalist/writer types like myself has grown immeasurably.
I’ve realized how difficult & perilous it can be to put your opinions out there into the massively scary, nothing-ever-vanishes, world wide web. I can imagine that one day I’ll just happen to mention how much I hate carrots, with their smug orange-ness and ever-chunky presence in my vomit, only to find that in 20 years time I’ll be hosting some “Benefit for Bunnies” evening, where the sight-saving effects of carrots are being heralded. Then, some fucking hare will run in and inform the fluffy, anticipatory crowd that when I was 23 I slagged off their favorite vegetable. “LIAR!” they will cry, as they pummel me with their tiny monocles and walking sticks. “TRAITOR!” “HERETIC” “FRIGID!” (wah??)
So I do get a little worried.
But that being said, in the case of recently removed ALP Candidate Peter Watson who posted neo-nazi and anti-homosexual comments online that indicated he believed there is a strong link between homosexuality and pedophilia, I am glad the internet was there to keep a record. I’m glad that stuff was found, I’m glad he’s now been made accountable and I will happily throw MY monocle and walking stick at his face. His stupid, stupid face.
I think back to the times before I realized that the Internet was more than msn chat and I get concerned about all the explosive opinions I could have been putting out there. For example, in high school I was all for smoking. Loved it. Wholeheartedly endorsed it. Not because I smoked myself, but because it gave Shanna and Kenisha something to do at lunchtimes other then try to convince me to pierce my fingernails (the wimps alternative to rebellion), or join their “health club” where they’d sit around finding justification for eating just about any food imaginable.
“Chips, Girls? What do we think of Chips?”
Well, chips are really just potato and potato is a vegetable so therefore we should eat chips.
“Ok. Chips are a yes. And King Size Cadbury Crunchie?”
Well, chocolate has anti-oxidants and honeycomb has honey and that’s good if you’re sick so we should eat King Size Cadbury Crunchie.
“Lovely. Yes for the Crunchie as well. The grease off the bottom of the deep fryer?”
Well, grease has a lovely texture that helps lube your throat so when your trying to take in all the boys at the back of the oval they can just slide on in with ease. So we should eat grease.
“Good thinking. Lets chow down!”
So for now, I have scanned over my list of opinions. That’s right, all 10 of them. And I have selected three which I am somewhat sure won’t land me in jail in several years time or blow anybody’s mind.
1) “Shat” is the funniest word that has ever or will ever exist. Admittedly, it has close competition from beauties such as fucktard, shuttlecock & celibacy. But when one has had the pleasure of watching her close friend run laps around a shopping center car park at night trying to find an open toilet only to stop and with a defeated expression declare “Too late. I shat myself”, there can only be one true winner. **
2) Twitter or “PLEASE VALIDATE WHAT I SAY”, as I like to call it, makes you crazy. Since signing up to the social networking site about 2 months ago, I have become ever so slightly obsessed. So much so that the other night I was talking to my mum and happened to say something quite funny. Fine, right? Not fine! I found myself going into a mini depression because she didn’t instantly repeat it to Dad or tell me it was her favorite. I also found that for a little while on Twitter, I only seemed to be getting followed by rather sexy ladies who had their boobies hanging out in their profile pictures. Initially, I was flattered. Curious, but flattered. But it turns out they are in fact spam, and not to be trusted. Making me feel like some gullible chump from a James Bond type film who falls for the pretty lady and inadvertently gives away the codes to the nuclear explosive. Luckily in my case they weren’t asking for codes to nuclear explosives. Just my bank details. Which I gave them.
3) The Irish are dicks
** When it comes to funny words, a friend also pointed out “Bollock-yoghurt” as an alternative for Jizz. Now I’m not sure whether this gets considered as it is hyphenated so it’s technically two words. However I will admit that it’s awfully creative. My only real problem with it being in my list is that I’ve never quite known how to pronounce “yoghurt” properly (is it yog-ert, or –yoh-gert?), so I don’t know if I’d use it regularly.