Commitment Issues

Ok. I think I’m just going to come right out and say it; I have commitment issues. But wait! Before you go telling all your single, hot male friends to avoid me, I should mention that my commitment issues don’t relate to relationships. They relate to everything else.

To start with, there’s work.

So keen was I to enter the workforce that I ended up getting my first job when I was only 12 years and 9 months old, well below the legally approved age. But at least in this case my parents were aware that I was breaking the law by taking part in an underage activity, and I can’t say that applied in many other instances.

Now although my driven attitude to work might sound somewhat impressive, I can assure you there is a darker side to this tale. Since that very first day of employment when I loaded up the Wendy’s Hotdog machine (PS: Don’t eat the hotdogs from Wendy’s), I have held over 20 different jobs. 20! That’s over 1.68 jobs a year! I can even remember one horrible occasion where I found this job and took it right there and then. No research, no number swapping. Just one, dirty night of employment. A one night-job stand, if you will. I was young, I was desperate and it paid awfully well. But I promise, I never worked as a cleaner again!

But still, the longest I’ve ever been without a job is three weeks. It was this year, and the only reason it took me that long was because I’d accidentally sent out a batch of resumes where I’d spelt job with a “g”, therefore telling all my potential employers that I was available for a “gob” interview at any time. So naturally, no one respectable wanted to talk to me. However aussieslovehead.com is still keen to know if I’m looking for work.

Here’s a list of some of the places I’ve worked:

·Wendy’s: Seriously, don’t eat the hotdogs.

·Bakers Delight: Did you know that most Bakers are alcoholics or drug addicts?  

·Latino Bakery: Same as Bakers Delights, but with more yelling.

·Hallam High School: I was younger than most of the students, but not the    pregnant ones.

·House: Strawberry hullers, fish forks and lots of other stuff people don’t use.

·Exotic Flower: Nothing seedy, promise.

·Country Road: Take the “o” and “r” out of “Country” and BOOM!

·JAG: Boring clothes for boring people.

·King of Knives: “And what will you be needing this knife for, Sir?” “You don’t want to know”

·Peter Alexander: Couldn’t deal with the manager who said things like “toy-toy” for toilet, “hungies” for hungry and “Oh-oh Spaghetti-O’s” for You’re fired!

·The Institute of Performing Arts: I can’t stress this enough, don’t eat the Hotdogs from Wendy’s.

Now despite this wide variety of positions and roles, one thing has been always been the same. I’ve always been employed as a Casual. Fewer responsibilities + more money = I can still do comedy.

But all that changed 5 weeks ago when I accepted a job offer at a small photography studio in Camberwell, only to realise that the position was permanent part-time. Perma-WHAT? The only permanent I’m interested in involves hair removal, thank you very much. And even that I won’t commit to!

But by the time I’d figured this out and the contracts (CONTRACTS?!?) had been prepared, I’d already been there a week and started settling in, despite the fact that I’d broken the coffee machine (they said put coffee in it, they didn’t say where!), offended a parent by calling her daughter/son/it a “cute little blob” and locked myself in the buildings bathroom for 45 minutes. But I remember how my stomach dropped, palms grew clammy and forehead was suddenly decorated with beads of sweat when my creative lifestyle was threatened.

For now, I’m going to try my absolute best to be a proper, dedicated employee. But if they start discussing a full-time relationship, I’m gone!

Outside of employment, commitment issues taint many other aspects of my life. For example:

Movies- I mean, I’m meant to sit through The Dark Knight Rises for over2.5 hours and Tom Hardy doesn’t get his kit off once? I don’t know if I can commit to that!

Diets- Especially when I start them on a Saturday and Mario’s have their Pancake special.

Hairstyles- I dyed my hair blonde 2 weeks ago and now I’m obsessed with Anne Hathaway so want to be a brunette. Or Anne Hathaway.

Family- For life? Really?

Then there’s the doctor. Since the age of 17, I have never seen a doctor for more than 2 appointments consecutively before moving on to the next. I’ve attempted to stem this vicious pattern and strum up some sort of a relationship with doctors here and there. But each and every time they’ve ruined it by not laughing at my jokes! And when I say jokes, I’m not suggesting that I’m breaking out into my boxing routine and giving them a bit of ‘What’s the deal with Tony Abbot’s face?” every time I hit the consultation room. No, I’m referring to little ice-breakers, stuff to make me feel more comfortable.I think that most people assume that because I can get up on stage I’m good around people. But oh, that’s very wrong. I didn’t start trying to be funny when I was little because I had shining self-confidence and brilliant social skills. Whenever I meet new people inner monologue usually goes something along the lines of “They hate me. Don’t say anything. Oh god, did I remember to put on underwear?”

So when I go in to joke mode, it’s possibly because I’m freaking the fuck out and not comfortable discussing my health around you so LAUGH AT MY JOKES YOU STUPID DOCTOR!!!

Should I be concerned about my staunch lack of commitment turning my life into chaos? Mum says yes. But instead of focusing on the areas where it’s causing obvious problems, I’m instead enjoying how nice it feels to acknowledge that there are still some things I’m firmly committed to; Jokes, gigs, shows, sketches and even this little blog. Since my first show with Adam Mckenzie and Robby Lloyd in 2006 till now, I am still very much loving and wholeheartedly committed to Comedy. Hopefully this dedication endures as I think it will, so even if in the future I’m left jobless, loveless and doctorless, I’ll still be able to make cracks about Kyle Sandilands’ fat face and that will be enough for me to be content.   

Now it’s time for me to talk in the third person while I advertise some upcoming gigs:

You can see Tegan live on stage over the next month at the following venues

Saturday the 28th of July: The Stop.Traffick Comedy Gala, Celtic Club Melbourne

Monday the 30th of July: Hosting at The Local, St Kilda

Tuesday the 31st of July to 3rd of August: Hosting at Adeliadecomedy.com

Monday the 6th of August: The Shelf at The Toff in Town, Melbourne

You can also follow Tegan at @Teganmh on twitter

Tegan will go now.